When Your Child Is the One "Misbehaving" in TK

TK is a bridge. It is a place where young children begin learning the routines, social skills, communication skills, and emotional regulation they need for school.

Yes, children may learn letters, numbers, shapes, and colors. But TK is also where children learn:

• How to line up, wait, and clean up
• How to ask for help
• How to take turns
• How to separate from a parent or caregiver
• How to join a group
• How to use words, pictures, gestures, or signs to communicate
• How to recover after being upset
• How to try again after something feels hard

Those are not small skills. Those are readiness skills. And for many children, those skills need to be taught the same way we teach letters and numbers: clearly, patiently, repeatedly, and with lots of practice.

A child who cannot sit at circle time may not be trying to be defiant. They may be overwhelmed. A child who grabs a toy may not be trying to be mean. They may not yet know how to ask, wait, trade, or join play. A child who screams during cleanup may be saying, "I was not ready to stop" or "Transitions are hard for me."

When we look at behavior with curiosity, we stop asking only, "How do we make this stop?"

Instead, we begin asking: What is this child trying to tell us?

That question changes everything.

Parents of children with challenging behavior often carry shame before they even walk into a school meeting. They may already be exhausted from hard mornings, bedtime struggles, meltdowns, picky eating, sensory needs, or communication delays. Then school starts calling, and it feels like the whole world is saying, "Your child is the problem."

That is heavy. And it is not fair.

A child's behavior at school is not automatic proof that something is wrong at home. Sometimes behavior happens because:

• A child is still learning a missing skill
• The classroom is too loud, too fast, too crowded, or too unpredictable
• The child does not know how to ask for help
• The child does not understand the routine
• The child is tired, hungry, overstimulated, anxious, confused, or frustrated
• The child is bright and capable, but the demands of school are bigger than their current coping skills

Behavior gives us information. It tells us something is hard. That does not mean we ignore unsafe behavior — safety matters, and the adults absolutely need to respond. But the response should teach, not shame.

Young children do not learn better because they are embarrassed. They learn better when adults help them feel safe, connected, and capable.

I have known children who started TK or kindergarten and immediately became "the child everyone was worried about."

The child who cried at drop-off. The child who would not sit at the carpet. The child who grabbed toys from peers. The child who ran away during transitions. The child who had big reactions over what seemed like small things.

And I have seen the look on a parent's face when they hear those reports. It is not that the parent does not care. Most of the time, that parent cares so much they are barely holding back tears.

They have tried talking, rewards, consequences, routines, comfort items, earlier bedtimes, breakfast changes, bribes, prayer, deep breaths, and everything else people suggest. And still, the child struggles.

What often changes the story is not one perfect strategy. It is relationship.

The child begins to trust the adults at school. The adults begin to understand the child's triggers, strengths, interests, fears, and communication. The team starts using the child's favorite interests to connect with learning.

Maybe the child loves dinosaurs, cars, animals, superheroes, music, or trains. Those interests become a bridge. Counting becomes counting dinosaurs. Transitions become easier with a visual schedule. Cleanup becomes "first clean up, then trains." Asking for help becomes a practiced phrase, picture card, or gesture.

The child starts to feel successful. And when a child starts to feel successful, behavior can begin to change.

Not overnight. Not perfectly. But slowly, with trust, consistency, and support.

When your child is struggling in TK, it can help to look underneath the behavior.

Instead of only saying, "My child hits," try asking: "What is happening before my child hits?"

Instead of only saying, "My child refuses," try asking: "What feels too hard, too long, too confusing, or too overwhelming?"

Here are some common messages behind behavior:

This does not excuse unsafe behavior. It helps explain it. And once we understand the message, we can teach a better way.

One simple tool families and schools can use together is the ABC model. It is not about blaming anyone — it is about finding patterns.

For example:

That pattern may tell us the child is struggling with transitions or ending a preferred activity. So the plan should not only be, "Stop screaming." The plan should teach the child how to transition.

That may include:

• A visual schedule
• A two-minute warning
• A first-then board
• A cleanup song
• A small job during cleanup
• A choice between two cleanup tasks
• Adult support before the child is already upset

The goal is to teach the missing skill before the behavior becomes big. Calm moments are teaching moments.

Many young children are told what not to do all day long. Don't run. Don't hit. Don't yell. Don't grab. Don't throw. But young children also need to know what to do instead.

Instead of 'don't run,' teach:

Walking feet.

Instead of 'don't hit,' teach:

Safe hands.

Instead of 'stop screaming,' teach:

Say help, break, more time, or all done.

Instead of 'don't grab,' teach:

My turn, please.

Instead of 'stop crying,' teach:

I need a hug. I need space. I need help.

For some children, those words may be spoken. For others, communication may be a picture card, gesture, sign, pointing, AAC device, or adult-supported choice. The form of communication matters less than the message. The child needs a way to say:

• I need help.
• I need a break.
• I need more time.
• I want a turn.
• I am all done.
• I need space.
• I do not understand.
• This is too hard.

When children have a better way to communicate, behavior does not have to be their loudest voice.

If your child is struggling in TK, you do not have to walk into the school and demand everything all at once. Start with support. Ask the teacher what they are seeing, when it happens, what helps, and what has already been tried.

Some helpful supports may include:

• Visual schedule
• First-then board
• Picture choices
• Transition warnings
• Calm-down space
• Break card
• Feelings chart
• Social stories
• Movement breaks
• Shorter work chunks
• Choice-making
• Preferred interests built into learning
• Consistent language between home and school
• Daily or weekly communication log

The goal is not to make school easier by removing all expectations. The goal is to make expectations clearer and more reachable. Children can learn hard things when adults teach the steps.

Sometimes parents want to partner with the teacher but do not know what to say. Here are a few parent-friendly scripts.

These statements are respectful. They also keep the focus where it belongs: on helping the child.

Use the myABCIEP IEP Prep Tool to organize your concerns before any school conversation, so your words are clear and focused.

You do not need a perfect home routine to support school readiness. Small, simple practice can make a big difference.

The goal is not perfection. The goal is practice. Young children need repetition — and adults who teach, model, and celebrate progress in small steps.

Sometimes TK struggles improve with time, consistency, and good home-school communication. Sometimes the child needs more support. Both can be true.

You may want to ask for a school meeting if:

• The behavior is happening often
• Your child is being removed from class frequently
• Your child is hurting themselves or others
• Your child is running from the classroom or campus area
• Your child is refusing school
• Your child is not making progress with routines
• Your child has communication delays
• Your child seems anxious, overwhelmed, or shut down
• You are getting frequent calls from school
• You feel like the same problem keeps happening without a plan

Depending on the situation, the team may talk about classroom supports, MTSS, SST, behavior supports, speech and language concerns, occupational therapy, counseling, or whether an evaluation may be appropriate.

Asking for help does not mean you are trying to label your child. It means you are trying to understand your child.

Want to understand what an IEP evaluation process looks like? Read our guide to Independent Educational Evaluations →

Teachers are human. TK teachers are managing many little learners with many different needs — teaching academics, routines, social skills, safety, language, independence, and emotional regulation all day long.

We can have compassion for the teacher and still support the parent. We can care about the other students and still support the child who is struggling. We can acknowledge that behavior is hard and still refuse to shame a young child.

That is partnership. The strongest teams do not blame the parent, the child, or the teacher. They ask:

• What is the child communicating?
• What skill is missing?
• What support can we try?
• How will we know if it is working?
• How can home and school use the same language?

That is where progress begins.

Your child is more than the behavior report. Your child is more than the phone call from school. Your child is more than the moment they cried, screamed, hit, ran, refused, or fell apart.

Your child is still learning. Your child still has strengths. Your child still deserves to be seen as capable.

And you deserve support too.

Many parents cry in the car after drop-off. Many parents dread seeing the school's number pop up on their phone. Many parents feel embarrassed walking onto campus after a hard incident. Many parents wonder if people are judging them.

You are not alone in that feeling.

When a child is struggling in TK, it can feel scary. But early struggles do not mean your child cannot succeed.

With trust, routines, visuals, communication, practice, patience, and partnership, young children can grow in incredible ways.

• They can learn to ask for help.
• They can learn to wait.
• They can learn to clean up.
• They can learn to join play.
• They can learn to use safe hands.
• They can learn to recover after mistakes.
• They can learn that school is a place where they are understood, not just corrected.

And families and schools can work together without blame.

That is the heart of child-centered support. Not:

"What is wrong with this child?"

But:

"What is this child trying to tell us, and how can we help?"

Want more tools to support school conversations? Know your rights as a California parent →

If conversations with the school aren’t leading to change, myABCIEP Pro tools can help you document your concerns and prepare a clear, rights-informed next step. See what’s included in myABCIEP Pro →